Declaration of Myself

Throughout our lives we define ourselves in certain ways. I have always defined myself as scrawny, nerdy, funny (actually only goofy, but the two are so easily confused), religious, and many more. Recently I have had the difficult experience of evaluating many of these assumptions that I have made about myself. Some of these characteristics are easy to pinpoint and even easier to identify why they are changing. For instance, as I edge closer and closer to thirty I realize the graphic tee period of my life is coming to an end while I easily slip into a newer, more age appropriate, plaid phase. However, many realizations are far more complicated than this and rooted in more than only one personality trait. Shall we begin by visiting my grade school formative years? (Hint: we shall)

As mentioned earlier I have always defined myself as being smart (mixed, of course, with an unhealthy dose of nerdiness). This was only partially my choice, the rest is the product of genetics and only being allowed to watch the Discovery Channel (back when that meant something). There is, however, another far more sinister and selfish motivation behind defining myself in this way: an unhealthy desire to please others. My parents (as all good parents should - do not confuse this forthcoming section with criticism) encouraged, and sometimes coerced, me to make good grades. This wasn't an overwhelming assignment as I was happily possessed with a natural precociousness. In fact, I rarely studied and did quite well in every class that didn't grade homework completion (and that is when the aforementioned coercion would come into play). My parents were naturally thrilled. I reveled in their happiness. All this is, in fact, quite normal and could easily describe any number of people reading this post - so I shall dive just a little deeper into my psyche and explore exactly what it is that I have found out about myself as of late.

In our modern western culture it is not so uncommon for the first twenty years of our lives to be shaped and defined by compulsory and then voluntary education. Now, as I mentioned above, this is (for me at least) very closely linked to my desire to please people. So, in effect, I have had a personal history of about twenty years in which I have defined myself in a primarily scholastic fashion which seeks to impress people with academic achievements. Furthermore, I have allowed the impressions of others to narrate my own personal story too often. When I finished my philosophy degree (how I got there is a story in its own right) my professors, being impressed with my academic achievements in religious studies and philosophy of religion, naturally encouraged me to continue on to Seminary. This also seemed like a smashing idea to me - this was certain to please and/or impress all of my family and friends. Thus my future was carved out. It is out of this fertile soil which springs my presently painful realization: I don't exactly care about scholastic achievements. Furthermore, it is unrealistic (not to mentioned colored with shades of narcissism) to suppose that I could ever possibly impress everyone with my intelligence or academic achievements. So, with this epiphany in mind, I would like to briefly cover where I am moving from (and why) in my life and what I am moving toward (and why).

I am moving away from the ivory tower of academia and my unhealthy level of people pleasing. Don't get me wrong, both of these things are wonderful in smaller portions but I have lived for far too long at the unhealthy extremes of both. The most concrete example of this is that I am done with seminary (more on this in a moment). At the top of my reasons why list is simply this: I don't particularly enjoy seminary (in the same way that I didn't particularly enjoy my philosophy studies). It feels like so much parroting and I can't help but feel that I am pulled away from better things. Secondly, I've answered the questions that originally drove me to study philosophy and theology in the first place. I still occasionally doubt as we all do, but I am not plagued by deep troubling issues. And now I am equipped and prepared to deal in an orderly fashion with other questions and issues that may arise in the future. Thirdly, the work that I would like to do with the church doesn't require a Seminary degree. It hardly makes sense then, as a young man who doesn't possess a great deal of wealth or great swaths of free time, to continue going to a costly and time-consuming seminary.

I see myself moving toward some creative and/or multimedia role. I find this work to be naturally more fulfilling and enjoyable. I can work on some creative media project for hours and not feel burned out. I remember having friends in undergrad and seminary who not only did all the required reading but went above and beyond to read all the original source work all on top of high-level and relevant extracurricular reading. I used to think that these people were insane. I haven't entirely ruled that theory out. But it seems more likely that that is simply a part of who they are. The same reading that bores me and makes me long to go outside before I burst relaxes and encourages them. It seems that they are in the right place. For some time now I have been mixing sound and I really enjoy it. It never gets old. I even enjoy the tedious parts like setting up and tearing down. I've even been helping with programming lighting cues lately. These things are stimulating and as natural as breathing. (It is interesting to note that this very blog sprung up in the middle of my most difficult academic challenges. I find this telling. I very possibly would have gone crazy had it not been for this outlet) Therefore, I will begin aiming my efforts at eventually achieving a full time sound, multimedia or worship design position.

I feel some final concluding remarks are in order. When I say that "I am done with Seminary" I do mean for the foreseeable future. I am not saying that the idea of returning is anathema to me - I learned a great deal and wouldn't trade my time there for anything. However, if I do return to seminary it will be on my own terms and for very different reasons. Finally I should be clear that I am not unhappy with my current life. I work a demanding schedule at Starbucks but the hours allow me to pursue other interests and the part-time multimedia work that I already do is quite enjoyable. Unfortunately I recognize that I can't continue with the current state of affairs for too much longer, it is simply financially untenable - especially in light of Amie's ever increasing baby fever and our need to again get a place of our own.

This is who I am. This is where I am going. This is my declaration.

(I know, that last sentence put it over the top didn't it? I told myself to calm down, that I could have simply let the title remain clever in and of itself with no necessary tie-in. But I just wouldn't listen. I hate when I do that.)

Love to all.